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Its funny how things happen :)

So lately, I've been really depressed. Horribly so. I've just felt so stuck, behind, and frankly, lost. I've been in dismay with my whole life. I know that I'm only 19 but I feel like I've only ruined it, even though I'm only two years behind in college. I've been miserable at work, making lots of stupid mistakes, when would then make me feel stupid.

Today I redid my bathroom, I ripped the wallpaper down Monday, I've been treating it, and today I painted it. All by myself. I know it sounds stupid but I'm ridiculously proud of myself. Feeling accomplished and happy I started organizing some things and I found this old notebook that I brought with me to Spain. It was meant to be a journal, only I've never been good at consistently recording things (obviously just look at this thing!) so I only did three entries. I have been thinking about my trips a lot lately, and how I took them for granted. So I read the entries, and it was nice reading them. They were simple and short, but nice. I read the one about my birthday anxiety attack and the one about my tattoo, and it made me realize how happy and fun life can be, you just have to be open to it and not afraid.

It made me realize I can be as happy as I want to be. There is nothing stopping me from going to school, I can work around anything. I think this is the little push that I've needed.

I also found a list of things to do to make my life better/more peaceful and I think they are still relevant. I updated it and added some.

Goals!Collapse )

A little bit longer...and I'll be fine....

So I haven't updated in a while.

Partly because there was a lot going on and I didn't know where to begin. I also wasn't sure I wanted to write it down.

But its been a rollercoaster of a month.

Since my last update Jess and I have...well reconnected? Its weird because out of the blue, she asked me if I wanted to hang out becasue she'd be in the area, and we had a really good time catching up and just hanging out. We've seen each other two more times. Once, she took me and Emily to see Batman in Imax (intense) and then just Wednsday Jess brought me along when she got her new tattoo. Its weird because we weren't exactly close before, then she went to school, and we definitely drifted apart, then reconnected and I think we're closer than we were before. Which is nice. She wants me to visit her at school, an its actually something I really want to do. I think it will be fun.

I also went to the Cape with Alicia and Allison. It was a lot of fun. We went bowling and mini golfing, to the mall, to the beach, out to eat, and played uno till the wee hours of the morning. We decided that we'd try to do this once a year. I wish we could do it more because it was so nice.

But I guess I should get to one of the two things that are bothering me, and basically what's gotten me to update.

Well, August 1st, is when everything happend. Prior to that Dan (in the deli) had been making some rather rude comments/jokes about my weight. I know he didn't necessarily mean it to be mean, however, I think just about any girl, no matter her size, will tell you it still hurts. I told him to stop. But that just made him mad. The situation got kinda out of hand, and I thought we dealt with it. Patrick said he understood why I was upset, and I really thought we'd get past it. I knew I only had a couple weeks left in the deli, and I thought we'd be able to make it a good time. Then on that Friday, I arrived early as always and got ready. I was standing by the punch in clock, which is next to the deli's door. Its a swinging door, so you can hear everything that's going on in the deli. Well, I overheard Dan and Patrick making fun of me. Mocking me, and calling me fat. They never said my name, but I knew they were talking about me. (Patrick even said "Man, I hope she isn't standing by the door listening") A few seconds later, as I was trying to figure out what to do/react Pat walks out the door and sees me. His face dropped and went pale, which just confirmed everything. I tried to pretend it didn't bother me. But eventually broke down and told my friend Megan what happended, and she encouraged me to tell. Which I did.

I won't go into any more stupid details, because it is a day I'd rather forget (which is very very hard to do). I was immediately pulled from the deli, and they got written up.

The thing that bothers me is Patrick. I love that kid to death, he's like a brother to me and I miss him terribly. But I haven't gotten an apology or ANYTHING from him. It hurts me because I want my friend back. I'm willing to forgive and forget (which is something I NEVER do) but I can't do that if he doesn't say he's sorry. I feel like I'm setting myself up for heart break. Part of me thinks that he is really sorry, but afraid to apologize, but part of me isn't sure. I mean how do I know he won't do it again?

Then the second thing is, I think I might have diabetes. My mom said she'd make me a doctor's appointment. I'm scared to death. I don't want to have to prick my finger and test my blood sugar. Diabetes is something that'll be with me for the rest of my life... and that is incredibly scary. For the past few days, since I got the suspicion that I might have it, it's been all I can think about. Ugh.

I'm so sad right now. This SUCKS!

Jul. 23rd, 2008

So, I've decided that I need a new beginning. Sort of. I was going to make a new journal, but a) it seems pointless and b) this is supposed to be about my life, and in life, if you want to start over, you don't exactly get a completely clean slate. You still have to deal with all that annoying left over chalk residue. So I'm keeping this one. I've just decided to make this about me. Since I doubt (and hope) Kristy won't be reading this anymore, this will be almost like a real journal for me. No one will be reading it, and I can just write what I feel. I'm kinda sad that once again I ignored my previous intentions of not making it private. I feel like making it private is saying that I'm ashamed of the things I do, go through, and am. So, here's to being open?

Tonight I finally did something I'd thought about for a while. I love Kristy, but I feel like its one sided. She says she wants to be my friend, but who's the one making plans? Whose trying to make things work, sending the text messages, coming up with ideas? Besides, she's clearly moved on from High School, adjusted well to college. She doesn't need me anymore, and thats fine. I just don't see the sense in hanging on to something that so clearly is dying. In my opinion, she wants nothing more than to be with Dan. Which is fine. But frankly, I think its a little sad. Yes I've never  been in a relationship (as she was always quick to point out if I ever said anything about their relationship), but that doesn't mean I don't know when somethings healthy or not. To make someone your life, like almost totally your life, at such a young age, isn't always the best situation. But I digress.  I'm not 100%  thrilled with how it ended, but I can't change that. I think it would have gotten nasty no matter what. Such things never really end well do they?

I'm ridiculously worried about my siser. I can't get ahold of her. I'm staying on AIM just in case she comes on, but I doubt she will. I worry for my mom a little too.

I think my dad and gram want me to move out. But I have nowhere to go. I thought about my mom, but there's too much hurt and pain there. Being on my own would be nice, but unrealistic. I guess I'll just have to see what happens.

I'm starting to get excited for 6 Flags, and I really hope that Megan comes :) !!

Jul. 23rd, 2008

Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends, will leave footprints in your heart.~Anonymous

Happiness is as a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but which if you sit down quietly, may alight upon you.~Anonymous~

May. 25th, 2008

It's weird. Throughout the day, I write LJ entries in my head, and always think, "WOW, that will make a semi-interesting/deep entry!" then I turn on my computer and I completely forget everything.

Every day I change my mind, but as of now, I'm thinking about working at Shaw's as many hours as I can, working to get my license, then when I can transfer, I want to go to a local college, probably commute. Then after a semester or two, I'll see what I want to do. That way I can transfer with later if I need to/want to.

So I'm not going to the front end anymore...I'm actually going to deli. I'm friends with everyone over there, and its like my work family anyways so I'm happy about it. I'm wicked nervous though. Even though I know that there are safe guards in place and stuff, I'm still scared to death of getting my fingers cut off. I think I'll be fine. I don't want to say I will be fine because then I'll get careless and a little cocky, but I don't want to get too nervous because then it'll happen because I'll will it to happen. So I'm in between moods.

Hopefully tomorrow I'll be going to the movies and shopping with Ann-Marie. Well, I'm not sure about the shopping part. I really want to lose weight, so part of me doesn't want to buy a lot of new clothes then not be able to fit in them. BUT I love to shop. I can't help it, I love clothes. LOVE CLOTHES!! And me losing weight is an uphill battle. Its tough because I have an incredible sweet tooth and bread is my best friend. So working in the bakery....ugh. Everyday there's something for me to buy. I get something almost everyday. I tell myself "NO" but then I come up with some reason/excuse to buy it. I think what I'm going to do is take magazine pics of all the hot beautifully skinny girls and hang them near my mirror. My current mantra is "Eating a cookie may satisfy you now, but later, you'll feel guilty a lot longer. Deny yourself the cookie and you may feel sad, but when you look in the mirror and like what you see you'll feel sooo much better forever." It's not really working yet, but maybe if I see some results it'll work.

Sorry I'm all over the placccce.

May. 22nd, 2008

OH Grey's Anatomy, I love you. I loved the season finale...! McDreamy is such a good guy. Even if he did ruin it by bringing up Rose. Ughhh. Now I have to wait a whole gazillion months to find out Rose's reaction. (He probably won't tell her, or will go to tell her and not be able to and he stays with her or something)

But, back to reality.

I went to dinner with my mom Monday. It actually went really well. We talked, and even laughed a little. The tension was definitely less than it was last time. As much as I blame things on my mom, I know that I have some blame in the situation. A lot of times I have this built up anger and frustration and even though I try to hide it, I'm sure it shows and she feeds off of it and it makes things go sour. I'm trying. I really am. After dinner we went to Michael's and Linen's and Things. She bought me some stuff. I really want to get into beading and stuff, but I'm not sure. I'd hate to spend all that money on the basic supplies then find out I don't like it or something.

My mom's surgery went well. She had benign tumors in her uterus and tubes or something like that and they had to remove them. She's still sore but she's better, and she's safe. It isn't life threatening which is good. But honestly, it still scares me, because this is the third time she's had some sort of tumor or cancer. She had breast cancer, then she had some benign skin tumors, and now this. It's like she sprouts them or something.

So at first I was super excited about going camping with Mallory, but now...not so much. I really don't feel like spending 5 days with 2 older guys, and sleeping in a trailer with them. Plus its a deaf people festival and I don't know any sign language. There's also the fact that whenever I'm with Mallory, I smoke, and drink, and those are things I don't enjoy doing, but I feel like I have to? I know it sounds incredibly lame, but that's how it is....I'll probably go. By tomorrow I will change my mind.

I haven't talked my mom into paying for a trip, but at the moment she's looking into getting her time share for me, and it will be cheaper using that, and I'm sure I'll be able to convince her to pay for it. It won't be till the end on June because that's when Alicia's job ends.

That's all for now, however I want to say that I can not and never have been able to spell definitely. Ever single time I have to spell check it. Ever. Single. Damn. Time. WTF is wrong with me?


Ever since Brian quit, I just don't even want to bother going to work. It just sucks. Everything about that place sucks since Keith became the new Store Manager, and Brian made it fun. I love Pat and everything, but he doesn't make my heart flutter, or any of those other things. It sucks that I'll never really get the opportunity to tell Brian how I feel. I hope that Pat, Brian and I can get together and do something. I'm not happy about how things ended. Its just happened. A little notice would have been nice, but I understand why Brian quit like he did. I admire him for it. Its something that I would want to do, but probably would never have the guts to do. Plus now everyone gets to make jokes about Hitler and Keith being best friends.

I've decided to go to Suffolk and work/ go to school. I know it'll be hard, but its a good school, and I wouldn't be able to afford to go there with out the tuition remission, and let's face it, my grades aren't good enough to get in there. Its definetely not going to be easy. A lot of long nights, and not much time off, but it will be worth it in the end. It was this older gentleman, Tom, that made up my mind. We were talking about my schooling and was talking about his son and getting connections and breaks and he mentioned how you can make very good contacts when you work at a college, and that at least at  a college, you don't have to worry about layoffs as much as you would in a corporate world.

I'm taking my mom out to lunch on Thursday for mother's day. I texted her on Mother's day, and I found out she had had surgery last Wednesday. She's had really bad problems with her tubes or something and they found pollups and stuff down there so they had to scrap them out. I think it may be more serious then she said it was. Which kind of scares me. I think Thursday, I'm going to try to talk to about our relationship aon Thursday. Its been to long and I'm past being mad and hurt. Well, not really, but I need to move on and get closure.

Part of me even wants to move in with my mom. Well, not directly in with her, but in the basement of her apartment, which is attached to hers. I want to be on my own and independent, and I can't be that here with my Dad and Gram, and I can't really afford to be on my own own. Plus I need to be near my mom or dad so I can get rides to places. I can't/won't be able to get a car in the foreseeable future. Cars are expensive, and if I'm going to take a job, I need to spend my money on work clothes, which are expensive. Ughh. I guess I should wait till Thursday to make any real decisions. I'll need to see how that goes.


So no cell phone today :( Extremely bummed. But the good news is I have good enough credit so that I won't have to put a down payment or anything. I didn't have my ID with me so I probably wouldn't have been able to get it anyways. Umm, how was I supposed to know that you needed that to sign up for a phone? Oh and the guy that helped us had the most amazing eyes. He was cute too. Kind of Ghatti-ish but in a sexy way. He was wearing a white button down, and if my dad hadn't been there, I probably would have been extremely tempted to jump into the kiosk and rip it off.....

can you tell my mind has been in the gutter lately?

So I know that I said that I would develop a crush on anyone, but that is incredibly hard for me. My sister used to have a list on her wall of all the qualities that she wants/wanted in a guy, so I figured that maybe if I wrote a list like that maybe it would help me realize that I don't actually have a crush on that person, or really like them like that, they're just kind of there and convenient. I decided to post it here so that if any of you know someone who matches this, you can set me up on a blind date. Help a girl out :)   (Kristy!)

  1. Nice/Sweet
  2. Sarcastic
  3. Good Sense of Humor/ funny
  4. Gentlemanly- holds the door, pulls out a chair, etc
  5. A guy who isn't afraid to hold my hand in public or other little PDAs (not like a public make out session, but a simple peck is sweet)
  6. Someone who has a job
  7. No kids
  8. Nice Eyes/teeth
  9. Good Conversationalist
  10. A guy that can protect me and defend my honor
  11. A guy that  won't be afraid to stand up to me and tell me I'm acting like I'm 5 (and even though I hate hearing it)

I know theres not, and I think I'll be adding to it. Any suggestions?
SO you have no idea how weird my day has been....

So I got up at like 8 so I could make cupcakes.  You see the deli manager (and my favorite semi hot grocery manager, sadness!) among two other managers are leaving so we were having a party ish for them. Well the deli manager is wicked cool and the whole deli crew plays a lot of jokes and stuff on each other. Well we took all the cupcakes, and we made a penis out of them. It was fantastic. Everyone thought it was hilarious.

But the reason my day sucked was because the septic tank or whatever, which is located in the bakery's back room, overflowed and went everywhere.  I never knew exactly how bad sewage smelt. I had to smell it for 7 hours and I really wanted to cut my nose off.

I had this whole witty story and stuff I was gonna go into detail with but today was so busy and hectic and tomorrow will be too, so i'll revise this tomorrow I guess.

I'm working 9-6 tomorrow and I know that its gonna be wicked busy and hectic again. I'm so glad I have no school monday, because I'm really close to being burnt out.

oh and I think i'm gonna get in trouble soon :(
 you saw, thinking about it, looking it up in a book, and remembering - because you can't take it all in at once."

I should probably warn you I'm in quite the complaining mood. Just a couple rants, but good stuff too. I think :) Bare with me, I live with a bitter 77 year old who nags and bitches, and frankly, I'm beginning to think its contagious.

So my cell phone = dunzo.  I guess the whole dropping-it-everyday-for-five months finally got to it.  It still works, it just randomly shuts off/on, which sucks when you get out of work early and are trying to call your dad to come get you but every time you dial the number it shuts off, so you have to go buy a candy bar to get change to make a phone call via pay phone (did you know it cost 50 cents to use a pay phone? wtf, i remember when it was like 35! i feel ancient!). So now I have to get a new one.  Which my dad won't pay for, and I can't blame him, but cell phones are ridiculously expensive if your not signing up for a two year contract.  I could get one for about $100, but those are all the ugly chunky ones with small screens, and if I spend my money, I want a cute one.  But there are so many things to consider. In June, I'm on my own. My dad's not gonna re-up my phone, so I'll have to get my own, so I kind of don't want to spend $300  on a phone, then when June comes around, cough up a ton more money. I don't know what to do. There are pros and cons to everything.  I found some phones on Ebay, but all the cute ones are there are expensive too. This is so frustrating.

Its also incredibly scary.  I mean June is 4 months away, and in 4 months I will be responsible for my own credit card. like on my own, and independent.  As if the whole getting a full time job isn't scary enough.  I hate this whole growing up thing.  Really hate it.  Its so scary.  I'm thinking I'll get a plan from AT&T....

Another complaint is this laptop thing.  I really miss having a PC. I like the keyboard and mouse thing so much better, and I'm kind of sick of a Mac. I miss windows.

I need to stop eating.  I had two bowls of ice cream today :(

So apparently, when I started at the bakery, I was supposed to get $8.50 an hour, well this whole time, I've only been getting $8.25. So basically I've been jipped out of approximately $40. Which doesn't make me happy.  But I might get a check for back pay, so may it'll show on next weeks check? Hopefully.

So after working in the bakery like a month and a half they are already having me train someone.  Stacy, the girl I work with, is moving to the front end again :( which is sad, because I'm really going to miss her. So Sunday I get the glorious task of work 9-6 and training a girl name Jess 1-6.  Jess is cool. I worked with her in the front end. Shes 18, and she has an adorable baby boy who's like 2 months old.  She'll be nice to work with I guess. Its just such a huge responsibility and kind of a hassle.  Hopefully my hours wont get cut.  I kind of like working a lot fo hours.  I really enjoy it, especially the paychecks, it is really exhausting though.

One more mod to go, then my externship.  I just want to get it done and over with.  I have database and then office procedures.  I'm gonna have to dress up for those classes. ICK! I need more work clothes and new jeans. My mom was supposed to buy me some, but I doubt that will be happening in the near future.

OH and I really need to work on my driving. I need to have it for my externship.  Which gives me 5 weeks, which sounds pretty much impossible. I need to look into getting a loan too.  I'm hoping my mom and possibly dad will help me out and co-sign a loan for me so I can get a lower interest rate. God with that, a cell phone bill, car insurance, food, and everything else, I don't think I'll be able to take this time off after school.

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and change all my decisions.  But I know that everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that.  I'll just have to stick it out and see what happens.

I just wish life was a bit simpler.  Like a=b c=d and d=hell. Decisions would be so much easier if you knew the outcome. Life. I think its god's cruel way of entertaining himself.